


like patience on a monument, smiling at grief

by gracezodiac



Series: stars above [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Insecure Han, M/M, Pining, Pre-Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-16 22:59:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7288072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracezodiac/pseuds/gracezodiac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke was just a very good friend, it wasn't as though his smile brightened up Han's day, or that Han felt infinitely more relaxed when they were sent on a mission together. It wasn't like his heart seemed to pound in his chest whenever Luke looked at him like he was the kid's whole world or-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <i>Ah hells.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	like patience on a monument, smiling at grief

**Author's Note:**

> this fic follows on from 'my stars, my home, my love' although you can read this as a stand alone if you so wish!
> 
> thank you all for your comments on the last one, they mean the world to me <3
> 
> but yes this is a little insight into han's view on things (it's currently 4:03am and i've been up all night writing this i'm dead)
> 
> warnings: angst, alcohol
> 
> please leave comments!! and i hope you enjoy!!

Han sat back in the pilot's seat with a sigh, eyeing the bottle of Corellian brandy in his hand. He'd been saving it for one of his evening's with Luke, but that plan had been shot to hell. Some days he wasn't sure why he stuck around with the Rebels, especially on this frozen wasteland – everybody was getting some sort of cabin fever from being stuck here, tensions were high since the Empire had started widening the search for them, and there was the obvious fact that Hoth was fucking freezing. 

It was of little consequence how much he wanted to go anyway, until he fixed up the Falcon there was no way of getting off this useless rock. He was stuck here whether he liked it or not. It was unfair to blame the Rebels for all this, he was aware, and it wasn't like they were exactly thriving either. They'd been pushed into a corner recently, trying to bide their time and hide out, wait for the Empire to calm down the search a little. Everyone he'd spoken to had similar complaints about the low temperatures they were having to live in. It wasn't fun for anyone.

Except Luke, of course. The kid had just taken it all in stride, going about his duties and helping out wherever he could, without any sort of complaint about the cold. Although, coming from a scorching desert planet, Han supposed it must have been a nice change. Even if it was from one extreme to the other. 

Han felt a little bad for him though, being stuck on a planet such as this. All it took was one look at the kid to see how adventure and yearning burned within him. It might have been better if Hoth had some interesting ice glaciers or something, anything pretty to look at, but no, it was all just snow and cliffs. 

Han would find a way to show him the stars. There was so much the galaxy had to offer him, and Han wanted to be there with him to see the look on his face when he saw it all. He wanted to take him to the Nawataa Waterfall on Kashyyyk, let him experience the nightlife on Nar Shadaar, he even wanted to take him back to Corellia, show him the oceans. 

He hadn't wanted to return to his home-world for a very long time, until he met Luke.

What would his face be like when he saw the waves crashing along the shore? He'd been astonished enough when they'd touched down on Yavin, to see the sprawling jungle forest. He remembered hearing Luke's breath hitch, as he leant closer towards the viewport, starstruck by the sight. Han had been tempted to tease him for it, but the look on Luke's face stopped him.

Luke asked him, when they had their evenings together, to talk about the planets he'd visited, and the sights he'd seen. Han figured it was the closest the kid would get to admitting that a part of him (and it was only a part, he clearly enjoyed being here and fighting with the Rebels) wanted to go out there and travel and see and experience. 

He'd never admit it aloud, although Han had tried to get him to on several occasions. It was as though he thought it would cause offence to the rest of them, as they'd given him something to do with his life (other than that whole Jedi stuff). Han just didn't understand why he couldn't admit that he had his own hopes and dreams and that he wanted something for himself. 

Well, it wasn't as though he could ask him tonight, since he'd been stolen away. Han placed the bottle of brandy on the floor, bringing a hand up to rub at his eyes. He really had been looking forward to having Luke to himself that evening as it had been a while, and he'd missed his company. However, something had come up, so their evening had to be postponed until another time, much to Han's disappointment. 

He was pulled out of his glum reverie by the sound of Chewbacca entering the cockpit and letting out a confused growl.

_“Where's the cub?”_

“Meeting.” Han huffed out, bitterly. “Something about the speeders. Apparently it was urgent, I don't know.”

Chewie made a soft noise at that, and sat down in the co-pilot's chair, watching Han curiously. The latter just picked up his bottle of brandy and uncapped it, finally taking a swig. Warmth settled in his stomach but it did nothing to make him feel better about the situation. 

_“Will he be back later?”_

A shrug was Han's answer. “Who knows. Her Highness was dragging him away before she could explain herself.”

He could feel the Wookie's gaze fix on him, even whilst he was turned away. He waited for a few moments before turning back to look at Chewie, who was in fact staring at him, and giving him a weird look in return. “What, what is it?”

_“You're angry with her.”_

“No shit Chewie, we can't speak to each other without fighting.”

_“But that's different, is it not?”_

Han just grumbled. Chewie was right, of course, it was different. His verbal sparring with Leia was very much stress relief for the both of them, even if neither party would admit it. He could see how worked up she got being in charge, having the weight of the Rebellion on her shoulders. She needed a way to exhaust herself and let it all out, and since she wasn't sleeping with anyone, this was the next best thing.

“So what?” Han muttered, not entirely sure what Chewie was trying to get at. Surely he was allowed to run out of patience at times. He was angry at her, so what? He had every right to be.

_“This is about the cub, isn't it?”_

Han just groaned and took another swig from the bottle. This was veering into dangerous territory and he wasn't sure he would be able to handle it. “I don't know what you're talking about.” He said with false confidence, staring the Wookie in the eyes as he raised the bottle to his lips again. Chewie just growled in disapproval, seeing through his friend's facade. 

_“You do not have to lie to me. I know you are jealous that he is with her and not you.”_

Han snorted at that, a disbelieving look on his features. “Jealous? You come up with some funny stories big guy.”

_“You wish to see him, you care about him.”_

“Of course I do, he's a good friend.” Han defended, staring moodily out of the view port. He wasn't sure where this sudden interrogation had come from, or what exactly Chewie wanted to get out of him. “Look, I saw him earlier anyway, he was helping out with repairs, so there.”

His companion remained quiet, and for a moment Han thought that would be the end of it. But apparently there was no such luck, as Chewie made a soft growl and reached out to ruffle Han's hair. Han just turned and glared at him, completely lost on what sort of game was going on here.

_“You are in love with the cub.”_

It felt as though time had stood still. Han found that he couldn't move, couldn't find the words to defend himself. In _love?_ With _Luke?_ That was ridiculous. Completely and utterly delusional, how could he ever be in love with the kid? Luke was just a very good friend, it wasn't as though his smile brightened up Han's day, or that Han felt infinitely more relaxed when they were sent on a mission together. It wasn't like his heart seemed to pound in his chest whenever Luke looked at him like he was the kid's whole world or-

_Ah hells._

The more he thought about it, the more obvious it became. There'd been something there right at the beginning, sitting across from each other in that dusty old cantina. And when Han had asked him to come away with him... His rejection had stung bitterly, more so than he'd anticipated. He hadn't expected to turn around and go back to cover him on his Death Star run, but it felt so wrong to just leave him like that, knowing that it was a suicide mission. He had to do something.

And since then, over the past three years, they'd only gotten closer, seeking out each others company in hardships and covering the others back when necessary. Han had to hold back a bitter laugh at how obvious it was, now that he looked back on it all. He was in love with the kid. He'd followed him on this maddening adventure of his because it was Luke. Because Luke had asked him to stay.

Because Han was in love with him.

_“Han..?”_ Chewie asked softly, watching on in concern as Han leant forward and buried his face in his hands, muttering a quiet: “Stars be damned...”

They remained in silence for a few moments, as Han tried to wrap his mind around this revelation. At first he felt a little elated but it soon turned into something much more bitter and hurtful as he contemplated the reality of the situation. 

“It doesn't mean anything,” Han started, slowly lifting his head up and sitting back in his seat, “whatever I feel doesn't mean a damn thing.”

There was only a curious growl from his companion, who tilted his head slightly to look at him. Bitterly, Han smiled at him, as he felt his heart sink in his chest. “He doesn't feel the same way Chewie. And he never, ever will.”

_“What makes you so sure?”_

“You've seen how much he does for these guys. He's dedicated his life to them, he did a long time ago. And all that Jedi stuff of his, it's what matters to him, what's important. He doesn't have time for things like this.”

Han rose out of his chair, moving to stand behind it, gesturing vaguely as frustration poured out of him.

“Look we'll be out of here soon enough, I've gotta pay Jabba back at some point, and I don't expect the kid to come with us. He belongs here. I'm just a good for nothing smuggler, I don't mean anything in the grand scale of things. He's got more important things to focus on, rather than any feelings of mine.”

All the fight seemed to leave him then, as he sighed and leaned on the back of his chair, letting his eyes fall shut.

“Besides,” he added in a low voice, “he'd have to be a damned fool to fall in love with someone like me.”

There was silence in the cockpit then, Han having nothing more to say, and Chewie feeling so inexplicably saddened by his friend's perception of himself. It seemed strange to the Wookie that his friend couldn't see that the cub cared about him so deeply, and clearly reciprocated the feelings Han had for him. 

Chewie stood up and walked over to Han, pulling him into a tight embrace. Han scoffed quietly, but let him do as he pleased, knowing there was no use arguing with a Wookie. 

_“Talk to him.”_ Chewie supplied, trying to be gentle about it. _“You may learn a lot from each other.”_

“I doubt it pal,” Han replied, “but I'll keep it in mind.”

Han pulled away then, grabbing the abandoned bottle of brandy and giving it one last longing look. Whilst he desperately wanted to finish the bottle, and perhaps down another, getting drunk wasn't going to fix this one. In fact, Han doubted anything could fix this situation. All he could do was get some sleep, and see how things were in the morning. If he couldn't drink it away then he'd just ignore it for as long as possible. That method had been working out for him so far.

“Well, if you don't mind, I'm gonna retire for the night, get some rest for tomorrow or whatever.” 

It was barely an excuse and they both knew it, but Chewie let it slide; he could only hope that with some thought and time, his friend might see the truth right in front of him. But that was for him and the cub to work out, he'd already helped as much as he could, for the moment. Humans were strange creatures indeed.

_“Goodnight Han.”_

“Yeah. Night buddy.” 

Han patted his back on the way out, giving him a small smile. It was enough to reassure the Wookie that Han would be alright, that he wouldn't go drinking himself into a stupor over this. 

_They'll get there,_ he thought to himself.

_They'll get there._

**Author's Note:**

> i put way more angst into this than i originally intended (i say this everytime, i never change)
> 
> i'm hoping to write a final part for this when they get their shit together and ~talk about feelings~ so hopefully that should be coming your way soon
> 
> come talk to me about skysolo on [tumblr](http://skywalkeraesthetics.tumblr.com)
> 
> please leave comments!!!
> 
> have a nice day <3


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